Lame.

So last night I had a major binge. My poor belly is still recovering from it, and it is 2:30 in the afternoon. First I decided to have an english muffin with almond butter and sugar free syrup. That was gonna be it. A little snack. No big deal.





Yeah right.





That turned into 2 toasts with almond butter and honey. Then a bag of mini oreos. Then a carrot muffin. Then I decided, you know what this carrot muffin is missing? Chocolate.

(The Devil)

So I put a carrot muffin in the microwave with chocolate chips on top and melted them. It was so good. So I had 4 more. Then I had to stop eating the muffins cause someone might notice. So I melted them on english muffins, with lots of butter on them as well. I had 2 more of those.

All I can say is yuck. So dissapointed in myself, but it's a new day, and I am trying to move past it.

Hopefully tomorrow goes better.

A little bit about me.

So I do have a bit of a life. Besides eating. Lol. Let me tell you a little bit about it.

- I have an amazing son. He is 3 years old and full of 3 year old attitude. He is amazingly cute. Let me show you.

Amazing little soccer player he is.

- I am not with my son's dad. I knew that when I got pregnant I would not be with him forever. I was ready to have a baby. He was too. We are much better as friends then as a couple. And we made an amazing human.

- I have a great boyfriend. He is gorgeous, let me tell you. Sweet and fantastic. But as most couples we have our issues. Life is not always paradise. It's pretty fantastic though. I consider myself very lucky to have found him.

- I live 1200 km away from my family. I miss them so much every day. I see them usually 2 times a year. Summer holidays and Christmas. It sucks and makes me wonder why I stay here.

- I work full time as an administrative assistant at an automotive shop.

Yeah, so that is pretty much my life, summed up in a cute little package. I have been having good days lately. Have not binged majorly for a few days now. Tomorrow will be my test, because bf will be at his second job. Going to try to stay busy and keep my mind off the food.

Weekend review

So all in all it was a pretty good weekend. The sun was shining, which means my mood was a whole lot better.

Spent alot of Saturday sleeping. My son had spent the night with his Dad on Friday, so me and my boyfriend took full advantage on Saturday morning and slept until 11:00 am. So nice!! Had not done that in a long time. We even took a nap on Saturday afternoon. We must have needed it. Saturday night was just me and my son, because my boyfriend had to go to his second job. After my son went to bed, I did a bit of eating, but it did not get completely out of control. I was pretty happy with my control.

Sunday the bf's brother came over for brunch. We had bacon and Chunky Monkey pancakes. If you have never had these I highly recomend it!! The recipe is on all recipies. BEST PANCAKES EVER!!

Seriously. So delicious. I took my son out for a tricycle ride, which turned out to be a good workout because I had to push him the entire way, or it would have ended up taking us 2 hours to get across town to my friends house. Spent some time with her and her 2 dogs. Her crazy, crazy dogs!! Had a nice supper with the family and a nice quiet night.

Great weekend, I was in a great mood. I hope this continues on. Maybe it will help with the whole eating situation if my mood can stay up!

Have a great Monday!!

Day 2. Big step.

So last night I panicked. My boyfriend got called in to his second job for the night, and my son's father took him for the evening. I was all alone. And when I am alone I binge.

Supper is usually huge. I eat until I can not physically eat anymore. But I thought about it and I decided that I would make an effort to eat a healthy meal. I ended up having 2 poached eggs on toast with cheese. Then when I was done I really wanted to have something sweet. So I made a recipe that I found on Spark people for a 95 calorie 1 serving brownie. Love the 1 serving or I would have honestly eaten the whole pan. I was satisfied.

I thought it best to get out of the house after that. Get away from the food. So I went down to see my son for a couple minutes, and bring down his overnight bag. Then I came back home and did a P90X workout (my legs hurt so bad today, but man it feels good), then my friend and I went for a walk with her dogs. While on our walk I decided to tell her about the doctor prescribing me antidepressants. She is on antidepressants, depression runs in her family. She assured me that the pills would make me feel so much better.

After the walk I came home and decided to have a healthy snack. I had an apple with some almond butter on it. Then the craving hit me. I had to eat. We had a pail of cream puffs in out freezer from Christmas time. There must have been about 25 left. Now there is none. But I stopped after that. I actually stopped!!! That is huge for me. Usually after that I would not have stopped for about another 1/2 hour or so. I would have just put anything in my mouth I could have found. May not seem like it, but it is a small victory for me.

So today I woke up and I felt good. For about an hour or so. Then I started to feel weepy, feel irritable, feel sensitive, feel angry, and lost all my energy. So this morning I decided that I would indeed start the antidepressants. I am hiding it from my boyfriend though, because the other day when I got prescribed them he told me how against them he was. I know he does not understand how I feel. I really just want to get this under control!!

My story. Day 1

So I have an issue....

I am a binge eater. This has been going on for awhile now. And I have just recently come to terms with it. I had bouts with it when I was younger, but nothing like it is now. It usually strikes now at least once a week. My absolute need to eat. And eat and eat and eat.

I must take in about 3000 calories in a period of about an hour or so. Disgusting.

Do I look like I have a binge eating disorder? No. I look healthy. Well, common sense tells me that anyways. I am 5'9" and weight usually around 160. That is a healthy weight. I am within a healthy weight range, and my BMI is in normal. But that is not what I see when I look in the mirror. I look in the mirror and see that fat girl I once was. I look the same as I did when I was 220 pounds back in my teens. Unhealthy. Fat. Disgusting. Gross.

I have been binge eating like crazy since the beginning of January. Before then I went on Weight Watchers just because I had wanted to be at 130 pounds. I just wanted to look good, in my mind and in the mind of others. I did awesome on it from October to December, and at my lowest was at 153lbs, which I had not been since Grade 5. Then I got back from Christmas holidays, where I thought okay, I am just gonna have 4 days where I can eat whatever I want then I will be back on track. Well, I did get back on track, except for when I wasn't. That is when the binge eating started.

I am not exactly sure what triggered it. I don't deal well with stress, and usually just let it build up inside and don't say what needs to be said. Mostly because I have the need to make people happy all the time. And if I say what is bothering me it sometimes causes conflict. And I do not do well with conflict. So instead of saying whats on my mind I will go to the cupboard and soon as I am alone and eat whatever I can get my hands on, that won't be obvious that it is missing. And if I feel that i am eating to much of one thing, that it might get noticed that it had been eaten, I'll move on to the next food.

So this is my first post. This is the beginning of my story. this is my attempt at making myself better, instead of taking the anti-depressant my doctor prescribed to me yesterday.

Oh I hope this helps....